So Much for daily updates

what can I say, my life isnt nearly as interesting as I thought it was. Its the same thing every day pretty much. Stare at the screen, contemplate schoolwork, talk to Molly and Tina on AIM and hop about wikipedia, youtube and furaffinity. What the fuck life.





Foudn out that one of my enighbors (who lives across the street and two houses down) is a -drumroll- CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER!!! WOOOHOOOO! As if it wasn't fuckign hard enough for me to try to convince my parents to lemme walk down to the fuckin TARC stop. Urgh. I hate that bastard now. Not even that he sodomized a six year old. I'm mean and dont care. I jsut hate his sick arse for that. Fucker.





SO yeah I guess there goes my chances of getting out during the day until the oh so holy and probably never approaching day comes when I have my license. I hate...things. XD





Oh yeah which brings me to my next bit. Sunday was a horrible day full of revalations. Not so nice ones.





Phillip is a douche, and we all know it. And so on Sunday we got into one of our arguments. Fun fun. In which he went on to me for ever and ever about how he thinks I am wasting my life away on the internet. I AGREE SO HARD THOUGH. I dont even know how it was an arguement. So I went back into my room to meditate. Cos thats just what I do when I get upset these days. I meditate. Its calming enough. Well this time my attempts at meditating lasted only a few minutes before I just burst into tears. And as I was crying I realized this. That I hate myself. And i dont mean that in a BAWWWWWW I HATE MYSELF way. I just.. hate myself. I'm still a happy person and I lvoe life. just not myself. If that makes any sense. And I've always hated myself. As far back as I can remember. Its one of those thing sthat I knew but didnt realize ya dig? So comcing to that conclusion really helped. I knew why I cried when Phil yelled at me. Because its like reminding me that I hate myself over and over and over. Like he might as well be shouting that at me. I dunno. I cried so hard sunday night I passed out. I remember passing out kinda. I was laying down with my face in a pillow, and i remember thinking that I need to not fall asleep, and i had dreams where I was laying down in a resturaunt and no matter how hard i tried I couldnt get up cos I was just to tired. It was weird.





Ah well the way I see it the only way to go now, is up. So I've been working on building a self esteem.So I went out and bought some of my favorite things. Scarves, socks and a new hat :3. I must say thats helped. I've began eating mainly veggies and ham sandwiches. I can dig that. I drink mirk water and koor aid.





Phil asked me during a serious conversation monday what I'm doing to change my situation and not just sit my fat ass on the internet all day. I told him my wishes to go out more and all that. But thats how I learned about OUR LOVELY NEIGHBOR THE SEX OFFENDER >:O





I've been waking up and doing my chores earlier. And I dunno i listen to music and chill and stuff. But otherwise i cant think of shit to0 do. Other than work on my circus. Yeap. I'm working on a webcomic and its ionvovled a lot of study for a circus. I am loving every minute of it too. Cos I feel like I have thigns to do now. It doenst get my ass off the itnernet but hey at least i'm learning something.





My god I need more thigns to do,. I am trying to learn how to knit. I really want to make my own head scarves. that would be really groovy.





For now I'm just sitting here clicking away, wondering why the hell Molly keeps going idle and coming back, and why she has not responded to the IM i sent her featuring the most aweosme creature in existence. Well One of them.

Its an Axolotl . Its a german newt. OH MAH GOD i love it so much. LIke that is what the face of god looks like. Yeap.

I mean how could you not respond to an IM with THAT in it. FOR REAL.

mayyyyyybeh she's tired of talking to me. hahaha. i cant balme her. i'm tired of talkign to me too.

I really think thats all I have to say.

WHAT!? WHO HAS NO LIFE!? ALLY J HAS NO LIFE!

Fin.

I DIDNT FORGET

SAorry for the lack of update. A few nights my net went dead before i could post, and then I was over at Molly's last night.

HOORAY FER SOCIAL ACTIVITY!!!

I am once again having second thoughts about my latest screenplay. Its really losery. Well like. I like it. Hell I love it. But I am sucha loser XDD. I've told two people cos they are the only two people that i had in mind for characters and shizzy.

I feel like a failure. Like iunno. I'm friends with a few other film makers. They all have their shit together. I do not. I really would like to think I did. And the thing is, I dunno how to get my shit together. Its kind of like this. If you asked me if I knew anything about basketball, and I knew the basic jist of the game, so I reply with a yes. And then it feels like everyone expects me to be Micheal Jordan, when really I am standing in the middle of the court wondering what the fuck I need to do.

Disclaimer: I know all of nothing about basketball, cept the ball in the hoop part. I was just using that as an example. C'mon. My fat ass playin basketball? HA!

All of these feelings of failure usually pop up when i'm talkin to other film makers, or seeing what they are doing and blah. I havent been able to make something in a long while. I'm itching to make something. Seriously. Its like this narcotic. But to tell you the truth, I'm kind of scared to make something. Cos everyone knows me as 'Ally J, the film maker' cos its really what I wanna do. But like, i'm afriad if I go and make something, it will suck, and then everyone will be like :OKAY YOU SUCK GTFO: But how am I supposed to get better without practice ya dig? I dunno. I have the resources to do things.

But now that I have the ball, what do I do with it in order to get it in the hoop?

Ah well. enough of that. Other news, had the most fantastic time at Molly's last night. Lion King refrences, wii, and Bullets Over Broadway with a dash of jollyflowers thrown in to make things more interesting.

Its after nights like that, that I really love life.

Maybe I can get all this shit together and make life even more fantastic?

:O:O:O

Peace and Love,
Ally J

Lame

Today was my lame excuse for a day of figuring things out. Which I did. I just took a bit of a mental break.

Of cours emy stepdads douchebaggery interfered.

Ugh I can not STAND him sometimes. Most times.

he's mental.

oh well
i'm cleaning

and decorating

and practicing drawing skillz

BLUH FAIL I KNOW

On This Day In 1797

the very first top hat was worn!

Now THATS what I call a holiday.

So today i decided that I was gonna fix my sleeping schedule. I'm taking baby steps in this whole getting things together process. Altering my sleep schedule to where I'm not waking up at sunset would be a good start. So I went to bed at 4:30 and woke up at noon. Come 3 I'll be tire.d This is a bummer though. I do enjoy talking on my night time chatroom. I would try to alter it to where I wake up at like 4:30 talk to my buds, but then I owuld be going to sleep when my mom got home, and I wouldn't really be a fan of that. I'll still be up late at night. Its the only tyime that I really ghet school work done. I'm motivated at night.

Since I've been so damn tired all day I've not done much else. I took a shower, and make myself feel socially acceptable. Now all i need is the social. XD

I've been coloring in this trippy ass coloring book all day. Which seems liek nothing, but I'm in my room a lot readers (all none of you) and I like to make it look cool. So I like hanging a lot of things on my wall. this contributes to that. Like I said, baby steps.


I've got the feeling that molly doesnt think this blogspot isnt gonna work XD. It might not. but I think it will. Hell I'm already getting sick of typing all the nothing I've done today.

I ran into some more bumps into my screenplay.l But with all the ways I'm gonna work aruond it, well i think that will definitely be a different sort of story. i just hope when i make it and people see it they see the story rather than they see how I was working around set and costume errors. Hopefully that will pan out for me nicely. this is the first screenplay that I've been so into in a long while, I'm not just gonna give it up in a hearbeat.

Me and mum haven't really been hanging out as much these days. She's always busy. i love me mum. Oh well. These thing happen in phases I suppose.

I think tonight after some geometry I'm gonna force myself to read more of the drivers manual.

Thats about all I got.

Pandora.com is the shit.

And then nothing happened

it didn't!

Yeah so today I did nothing and a half once more. For bajillionth consecutive day in a row. By the way I'm posting early in the morning of January 15th, but this is counting as the 14th's post.

So Yeah I was woken up at 9 to change my dogs water cos it was frozen, went back to sleep, pretty much laid there until 4.

I am tired of my days being like this. Every time I tell mum I am going out and I'm taking the TARC she gets pissed of and doesn't let me cos she is afraid of TARC stops. With good reason. they are scary. But for Pete's sake she got me a bunch of TARC schedules and then told me I couldn't ride in so many words. Ugh. That grinds my gears. So last night I began reading the Kentucky drivers manual. Hopefully I'll get my permit soon. Then my License by my birthday. Joy!

But yeah. In other news I continued that i would keep on working on my screenplay and find ways to work out how it shall be done once i actually put it into production. On a side note I have gotten an idea for a short film.

I need to figure out how to work my new movie editor. Its very high tech, and that muddles me rather. S yeah I need to figure that out.

I'm sitting here typing all of the things I need to do but I wonder how many I am actually gonna get around to doing. See its thoughts like these that cause me to never get anything done. I think about how I'm gonna do something, then i think about how I never do it, and then it just doesn't get done. this seems to be a major problem with me, I really need to stop. Like really. this is just annoying.

So I guess I'm just gonna have another day of putting it off until tomorrow and then seeing what that leads too. I need to talk at Molly. We didn't really talk much today. She usually knows what to say in times like this.

I got a 50 pack of colored pencils and a trippy ass coloring book that I purchased from grateful threads a few years ago! I shall have a fun night.

oh man. grateful Threads. Alex told me today that its shutting down. i nearly cried. That place holds so many memories. so many days from freshman year of walking on BTR and then chilling out there, listening to some groovy tunes. Man freshman year. I found a bunch of videos i made then today. I had forgotten about them. Man i nearly cried then too. We all used to have so much fun. Growing up complicates things.

Oh well. Day 1 of getting life back together was unsuccessful pretty much. Hopefully tomorrow shall bring forth a better more productive day!!





i need to fix my sleeping schedule.

Greetings and Salutations!

So here I am on blogspot! I read blogs on this website constantly but I've never made one thinking that it would suffer the same fate that my livejournal did. But since I have a lot of free time in my nocturnal state of being, I suppose now I can find the time to sit back and type up the goings on of my day.

So I've made this blogspot to record myself getting myself back in order. I'm fine in my current state, but I'd rather be better than "Eh, okay"My life as it is is kinda drab. And its me falling into a pit of failure to say the least. So I think that if I'm on here talking myself through the days of getting myself up and running again then perhaps I will stick to it rather than just letting it all fade off.

I'm sick and tired of saying that I'm gonna get my shit together and that I am going to make changes in my life for the better, doing them for a few days, and then forgetting. I will make sure not to forget this blogspot. I figure that after so many times of typing that I did nothing, and I'm not doing anything I'll get sick of it.

So here I am. I'm 16, I'm a film maker and a photographer. I have little to no self esteem, and I can be incredibly paranoid and self conscious. I'm in eschool. I love eschool, but it has its effects on the adolescent and can cause them into repetative days of nothingness. I'm changing that. I'm currently groovyfying my room. I'm trying to get some clothes to make me feel better about myself. That also requires me not beign a fatass so yes readers I'm gonna try and get rid of this mass of flab that has surrounded my skeleton for as long as I can remember. I shall be a moo moo no more! And hopefully this blog will help. it will be like the person that I have to answer to at the end of the day.

SHOOP DA WOOP!

Peace and Love! Love and Peace!
-Ally J